Mama Coxxx Speaks!

I decided this morning on my way to work that I would share a story that not many know.

When I was growing up there were many times that I seriously considered ending my life because I was different, or because I felt unloved, or perhaps because I didn’t know what was coming next.  The scariest of them all actually didn’t happen that long ago….

Because of a broken heart I found myself walking around the city not knowing what to do next.  I started thinking of everything that was wrong in my life and felt it out-weighed everything that was good.  I remember calling my mom and crying for over an hour.  She helped me calm down some but I couldn’t shake that feeling of total dispair.

Now at this same time there was another person sitting in their house across town wondering why she was at home on a Friday night doing nothing.  As she glanced at facebook she noticed a message that was clearly a cry for help.  Pollo Del Mar immediately began texting, calling, emailing – everything she could to get my attention.  Every message was the same…….”Where do you live?  I am coming to pick you up!”

Pollo came to my house and picked me up.  We drove for a while, sat and talked even went and had Denny’s.  Although I had known Pollo for quite some time at this point her and I had never sat and talked to the extent that we did that night.

Now granted, I was not a teen at this time, but the feeling of “no way out” was real and IS real for so many people!  I urge everyone to PAY ATTENTION!!!  If it weren’t for my mom and the amazing Pollo del Mar I would not be here today to share this story.  AND trust me I have had such an amazing life – who would want to give it up!!

Pay attention to those around you – sometimes it is the smallest thing they are doing as a cry for help.  Pollo saw mine and helped sooo much…….

Love each other, hold each other and never forget that life is what you make it!  You are LOVED by someone – and it only takes one!!!

You know how you sit in your room afraid someone will find out that you are “different”? – Guess what – They do find out and you will be ok!

You know how you play make believe every afternoon alone in your room with your stuffed animals? – Guess what – When you are older you will play make believe for hundreds of people and they will chant your name!

You know how sometimes you hear people calling you names at school? – Guess what – One day you will use that as motivation to help someone in need!

You remember how people reach out and help you when you need something? Guess what – Soon you will do that for others by raising money for charities that help others!

You know hoe you are scared that no one will love you the way you are? Guess what – They will, and already do!  Be yourself and the love will overwhelm you!

You know how your mom always tells you she loves you unconditionally?  Guess what – She is telling the truth!  You will go through a rough spot, but she LOVES you!

You know how you wonder if it will ever get better? – Guess what – IT DOES GET BETTER!

Last night at my weekly performance at Marlena’s Bar in San Francisco I performed a number that has been in my head for a very long time.  In previous months my daughter, Victoria Glass, and I have performed the sentimental song For Good (from Wicked) for the crowd and it is always a pleaser.  This time we tackled the high emotion of Defying Gravity.

Now you may wonder why this drag queen is rambling on about a number from a drag show.  I always try to perform things that say something……Defying Gravity has a message in it that is so strong and really is the theme of the Broadway smash hit.  It talks about not letting anything get you down.  In our current world and climate this is extremly important to remember.  NOTHING should ever hold us back or bring us down from reaching for our goals and dreams.

My favorite line in the song is…..

I’m through accepting limits
”cause someone says they’re so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I’ll never know!
Too long I’ve been afraid of
Losing love I guess I’ve lost
Well, if that’s love
It comes at much too high a cost!

This is soooooo true.  So as you go about your day and get ready to start your work week – please remember – It doesn’t matter if you are a good witch or a bad witch you still can Defy Gravity in your life!  You can do it by bubble, broom or any other way – Just Do It!

I was standing in a small room after they all left with my campaign manager feeling like I had just gotten kicked in the stomach.  I thought I had prepared myself for that moment – but I realize now nothing could really prepare you quite enough. I turned and faced the wall and felt numb.  George came up and tried to comfort me and talked to me about what we had done, what we had accomplished as a team.  After some tears, hugs and some pushing we walked out of the small room and on to continue the rest of our lives……..

This is what happened two weeks ago.  I have been taking the time to absorb and watch the people around me these last few weeks.  I have experienced some additional upsets – the loss of a relationship, the loss of a loved one to complications of HIV and just a very hectic schedule at work.  But I can say that I feel stronger now then I ever have before.  There are times and even whole days that I feel I am falling apart and then I look around me and I see what has been built.

When I set out almost two months ago to try to become the next Grand Duchess of San Francisco I did it because I believed in an organization, but more importantly for the community it serves.  George Langford, my campaign manager, and I never lost sight of the community…..toward the end of the campaign we even began chanting – “Live, Laugh, Love – Community”.  I was not worried about the crown – I wanted to serve the community…..

The fantastic George Langford and myself

And serving the community is exactly what I will do!  I will continue raising money for organizations that need help.  I am currently working on a project for The Trevor Project (the country’s leading organization trying to prevent teen suicide).  I am also working on many other individual projects with the Haus of Coxxx that everyone will see coming soon.

I am proud!!!  I am proud of what came of this.  I don’t know that it could have worked out any better.  I gained respect. I gained one of the best friends I have had in my life.  I was able to watch the Haus of Coxxx grow stronger and more unified!  I gained LOVE – the greatest of all – I LOVE our community and the people in it and I will do everything in my power to help people in need.

I may not have gotten a crown – but I got soooo much more!

Most parents don’t get to pick their children….in the drag world you do and I picked one hell of a daughter!!!  On a day when my real mother goes in to surgery to take care of a potentially cancerous problem I began reflecting and thinking how lucky I am.  I am lucky to have my real family behind me (as you may have read in other posts), but I am also very lucky to have my chosen family – the Haus of Coxxx…….at the forefront of that group is my daughter Victoria Glass

Who would have known when I was sitting at a bar inviting the bartender to my show one January Saturday that I would end up having such a great friend and drag daughter.  After coming to my show that night the spark was lit in her eyes again, since she had done drag before, and she surprised me a week later by showing up to my show again – but this time IN DRAG!!

Since then she has grown as a performer and, I believe, as a person!  We perform together every chance we get but she has carved her own name for herself in the community as well – – – and I couldn’t be prouder…….She loves performing, just like me, and would do ANYTHING to help a friend out.  Another thing that I love about her is that she believes that there is always something to learn and is open to criticism and pointers from everyone……More performers should be like her.  A Big heart!  and an AMAZING talent!

This last weekend she entered the Miss San Francisco Gold Rush pageant and showed those girls what a Coxxx girl can do….her gowns were amazing, her talent fierce and her heart shone through!!!!  In the end she didn’t win but she did win Miss Congeniality!!!!  She was the crowd favorite!!!  I am proud!

So to wrap this up I just want to say I love her!  She shows me every day what it means to be family, to be there for each other, to have a friend!  I hope each of you have someone in your life as special as Miss Victoria Glass!!!!

I have to say that I am the luckiest performer in the grand city of San Francisco.  There are many that have there own show, have fame, stardom, tour around the world etc……but what I have is so much more special!  I have the Haus of Coxxx!  This family that I have formed is like no other!  I have never in my life seen a group of people care for one another like this crazy bunch.  They truly act like siblings!

When I cam back to performing I had a small handful of people that supported me from the start – now that has turned in to over 35 members and they are not just supporters – they are family!!!

We ask the world to redefine what a family is.  Most think it is a mother and father, 2.2 kids and a picket fence.  Mine includes a few drag queens, some beautiful girls and some of the great guys in the world!

To all of my children, my sisters and my nieces – I LOVE YOU and THANK YOU for everything!  This Haus if HOME for me!

So, in my ramblings before I have never spoken about my real mom.  She is one of the most amazing people I have ever met.  She was raised a devout christian woman with very strong convictions who then went on to train to become a missionary and became a nurse.  She also raised kids as a single mother……Amazing yes????  Well it gets better….

When I first came out of the closet it was after my father had passed away and life was hard for her….she lost the only man she had ever loved and in the same period realized her youngest son was gay.  To a christian woman some may have considered this death of one of her children.  I won’t deny that the first year or so of my being out were a struggle for my mom, but she rallied….She told me one day that she loved me no matter what and that she wanted to be part of my life.

Now – she supports my drag career, embraces my friends, boy friends, partners and drag daughter alike!  She even has been busily fashioning jewelry for me to wear at upcoming events!!

What caused me to write this is that last week I was faced with my mother’s mortality.  Almost 10 years after my father passed away my mom was told by the doctor that she may have cancer.  This caused so many emotions to go through me……I couldn’t imagine a world with out her here.  I know one day that she may not be but I just can’t…..

Today we found out that she was cancer free and you can’t imagine my excitement.  She has stood by me through things that none of you can imagine….sure we have had our differences but I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

I hope all of you have an amazing person in your life like I do!!!  Mom I love you!!

You know that feeling when you were a kid……..when  you put your arms out and spin as fast as you can until you fall down??  That feeling has been compared to the feeling of falling in love, to feeling hurt or in most cases just plain being dizzy.  I call that feeling – – – –  my life!

Being a performer and trying to have a life of some normalcy can have its challenges.  Like writing this blog for instance.  When I started writing in it I thought I would write something interesting every day or at least every couple days….well then life caught up with me.  So many things have happened since the world of blogging has seen me — the Haus of Coxxx has grown, I have performed a million times, I have gained new friends (lost some too), Haus members have competed and won a few titles, and sooo much more.  To most people reading this it probably seems like I am insane for doing so much, and at times I must agree, however I find it very fruitful.

So – I don’t want to babble here forever this foggy San Francisco morning……but I will say that I will try to be better about blogging.  Sometimes I have some pretty interesting thought come in to this crazy brain of mine and I will feel the need to share it…….so…..until then – Have a fantastic day and remember…..no one has control of your destiny – but you!

xoxoxo

Ana Mae Coxxx's Command Performance

The last couple of days have been a whirlwind!  I performed for one of my dear friend’s birthday on Thursday night and enjoyed a night with Haus members.  Friday night I spent with Cowboys and Cowgirls in support of the Gay Rodeo……and then it all came to a crazy wild day yesterday!

Last night I had the honor of performing a command performance for their Imperial Majesties Renita Valdez and Stephen Dorsey at the 2010 investiture.  Imperial events are always a very interesting time.  Some of the people that attend these functions have been on the scene for over 40 years…..you really get to see what it will be like if you stay involved your entire life!  What an inspiration!  Besides my performance I was thrilled to see 4 of my haus members be added to the Court for the year – and they even named me the “Madam of the Haus of Coxxx” in their court!

After my performance I ran off to my weekly show at Marlena’s.  It was last night while getting ready for an energetic performance of Tina Turner’s Proud Mary that I was flooded with emotion.  The Haus is very loyal to me in an ways – however two people in my world stand above and beyond the call of duty.

Alan and Moses

Alan, my best friend, and his partner, Moses have been there with me from the beginning!  They are at nearly every performance, event and fundraiser – right by my side making sure that I don’t need anything.  They zip me in to clothes, they carry my bags, fix my hair…..literally anything I need…..but most of all – they are very LOYAL friends!  They have now found themselves wrapped in a world of drag queens, crowns and events……I love them!

I wish everyone could have people in their lives like these two!  I am lucky that I have a “family” that is there for me whenever I need them.  I hope YOU have people in your life that act the same for you!

Always remember – be there for eachother – you never know when someone needs you most!

Also thank you to Chris, Alotta, JP, Anya, Emma and Gary for being there with me last night – it meant the world to me!

Also thank you to Chris, Alotta, JP, Anya, Emma and Gary for being there with me last night – it meant the world to me

One of the members of the Haus – my wonderful “Sweet” Coxxx – gave me a card a few weeks ago when I was having a tough time and I decided to share what it said with all of you.  This poem is fantastic and is just what some people in my life need to remember right now.

A mighty wind blew night and day.

It stole the oak tree’s leaves away,

Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark.

But still the oak tree held its ground

While other trees fell all around.

The weary wind gave up and spoke,

“How can you still be standing, Oak?”

The oak tree said, ” I know that you

Can break each branch of mine in two,

Carry every leaf away,

Shake my limbs, and make me sway.

But I have roots stretched in the earth,

Growing stronger since my birth.

You’ll never touch them, for you see,

They are the deepest part of me.

Until today, I wasn’t sure

Of just how much I could endure.

But now I’ve found, with thanks to you,

I’m stronger then I ever knew.”

Let’s all remember that we are stronger then even we even can understand.  We are grounded and can endure anything this life gives to us.  I never personally think I am grounded, but I do have moments – if only for a moment where I realize that I am – and what a fantastic feeling that is!

I hope this touches someones heart as much as it touched mine!

Thank you my “Sweet” angel!